The company I had been working for closed its doors in February 2008. In March, I received an unexpected offer for what would turn out to be the most challenging and rewarding job I have ever had – motherhood.
After the initial shock wore off, I became obsessed with two things – cleaning the apartment and gathering as much information as possible about what was going to happen to my body. In my new germ free environment, I sat transfixed in front of my laptop for countless hours learning terms I had never heard of before … meconium, colostrum, and [dare I mention it?] perineal massage. I watched birthing videos with my mouth agape in horror and cringed while reading an article titled “Things That Will Come Out of Your Body”. I also poured over baby names and was in awe at what was happening inside my womb [thanks to weekly email updates!]. And the best part of the online pregnancy experience …. being able to ask all those questions you are too embarrassed to ask in person.
In addition to all of my questions and concerns about the physical elements of pregnancy, I had concerns about the emotional side as well. What would happen to me? Would giving birth mean the death of my former self? Don’t get me wrong, I was super excited to become a mom. I just wanted to be sure that my identity wasn’t going to be lost when we decided I would not be going back to work. I didn’t know what being a Stay At Home Mom would do to my creativity, my sanity, or my social life.
Writing about this now, it sounds kind of selfish, but I assure you that’s not where I was coming from … I was about to become a mother for the first time and sometimes, the uncertainty that comes with all of that responsibility can be overwhelming. And that’s okay. The good news is that Ava is eight months old now and if anything, I am a new and improved version of the pre-baby me [although my “skinny jeans” might disagree]. I feel more creative than ever and each day brings new milestones, new joys, and new ideas to keep the balance. For every sacrifice there is fulfillment. Instead of singing in a rock band, I now write children’s songs. Instead of writing bios and press releases, I write blog posts and am working on a children’s book. I still have my independence. I just have to be a bit more imaginative in how I exhibit and exercise it. XO.